drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
