my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
