Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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