Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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