I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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