Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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