If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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