before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
