Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The best revenge is premature balding
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She told me I should be a condom model.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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