I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm passing your future prison.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
