you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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