when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
