My cat gives me a boner
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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