if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
