Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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