Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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