I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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