Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
