her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
