believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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