Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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