Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
