Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
whose parrot is this?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
