i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
