I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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