My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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