i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
