he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
