What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
...so i touched it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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