Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
