you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
