I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
