You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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