Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
