4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
