i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
