i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
