Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
