I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
