You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
