I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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