the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
