Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
