I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
