Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
