Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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