The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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