I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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