It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
