At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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